As a certified Dare to Lead Facilitator and executive coach, Kemi Nekvapil has supported hundreds of women to reclaim their power in the workplace.
Kemi Nekvapil describes herself as a “multi-passionate” person. When you look at her career history, it’s easy to see why. She spent years working as a baker, chef, yoga teacher, business owner, film and television actor, author, podcaster, and soon she’ll add flower farmer to her list of pursuits.
“When I find something that lights me up, I dive deep into it,” says Nekvapil, who is also a member of AHRI’s Future of Work Advisory Panel.
Her broad range of experiences lead her to the work she does now as an executive coach. She has also trained with Dr Brené Brown in Texas and is now a Dare to Lead coach.
Nekvapil is passionate about helping support people, especially women, discover their power. This motivator comes off the back of a childhood often laden with a sense of powerlessness and an inclination to make herself smaller.
In 1970s England, Nekvapil was born into a society in which it was common for those with a Nigerian background, like her, to be fostered to white families for the chance to have “the best opportunities in life”.
By her 14th birthday, she had lived with five different foster families, some of which made her question her place, not only in their homes, but in the broader community. As she writes in her book, Power: “As a young child, my belief was that if I upset one white family, I would be moved on to another one… I was constantly threatened that I would be ‘sent back to Nigeria’ by some of my foster parents, so I never felt secure or that I belonged anywhere.”
All of this set the scene for the coach Nekvapil would go on to become – someone whose mission was to find her own space in the world, and help others do the same.
That’s where her coaching career stemmed from. And while it may have been a meandering path to get there, Nekvapil says the lessons were critical in forming the type of coach she’d go on to become.
“Coaching can be very goal-oriented. But human beings are more than the goal. Sometimes we work out more about who we are on the journey towards the goal,” she says.
“I believe we’re not meant to do life on our own. Coaching is incredibly important for people in leadership, which can sometimes feel quite lonely. Leaders need to feel they have a safe place to land.”
Discovering your POWER
While Nekvapil was no stranger to feeling powerless, it was only after she started speaking with clients that she realised the universal nature of women’s struggle to grasp or yield their power at work.
Not all women feel this – that’s important to call out. There are, of course, plenty of women who are perfectly comfortable occupying space and voicing their opinions at work, but Nekvapil’s professional mission is to help the many women who don’t feel that way.
“My experience as a coach is that, regardless of the woman’s title, her internal narrative doesn’t always allow her to own her power. Then I started thinking about my experiences as a woman, and as a Black woman navigating white spaces, I began thinking about the things I’ve done to build my power, as well as how my clients have done so.”
This landed Nekvapil on the POWER acronym:
P for presence – “We need to be present to what’s working and not working in our lives, work and leadership style.”
O for ownership – “It’s about taking ownership of our stories and asking, ‘What are the stories and narratives I’ve been told that aren’t useful? What are the stories I want to create for myself moving into the future?”
W for wisdom – “There’s nothing wrong with having people in our lives who guide, coach and mentor us, but ultimately we should gather that information and tap into our own wisdom to work out our next steps.”
E for equality – “This is about knowing that regardless of your resources – whether you have the most or the least – our humanity is equal. That’s non-negotiable. If we go into a situation and say to ourselves, ‘I am an equal here,’ that completely changes how we contribute. There’s a reason women are in those rooms.”
R for responsibility – “When we take full responsibility for our lives and careers, that includes taking responsibility for what’s going wrong, what we need to change and where we need to grow. It also means taking responsibility for, and celebrating, our successes.”
Different parts of the acronym will speak to different people. You might struggle with presence, but feel completely confident in your sense of equality and responsibility, for example. This isn’t meant to be a catch-all framework. It’s designed to prompt self-reflection and, as Nekvapil puts it, “self-coaching”.
“Not everyone has access to coaches, but we can always ask ourselves questions.”
The power of words
Another key part of owning your power is being aware of the language you use in a professional setting, says Nekvapil.
“Words are powerful. As women, we often diminish ourselves and others with our words, especially in emails. We’ll say, ‘I just wanted to check in’ or ‘I’m sorry to bother you.’
“I’m working with someone at the moment who sent me an email and I had to say to her, ‘There’s more apology in this than there is information.’ We know each other well. It was only when I pointed this out that she realised.”
Writing an email sans fluff and apology takes less time and clarifies communication.
“Manners are still important. I am English after all,” says Nekvapil. “You need to figure out what sits comfortably for you. For example, I like to focus on giving people the information they need. I’d write something like, ‘This is what I know: A,B,C and D. Let me know if you have questions.’ I don’t say, ‘Does this make sense?’ Assume it does. If it doesn’t, people will ask for clarification.
“This constant diminishing of our skills, communication and expertise doesn’t serve us, and it doesn’t serve the person we’re trying to communicate with.”
“Words are powerful. As women we often diminish ourselves and others with our words, especially in emails. We’ll say, ‘I just wanted to check in’ or ‘Sorry to bother you.’” – Kemi Nekvapil
People can also be overly collaborative with our communication style, she says. While this can be important in certain circumstances, it can hamstring you in other instances, like when you’re trying to move forward on a project.
“I had a client who came to me and said, ‘My manager is causing a bottleneck. She used to have my role, so I’m going to her for approval on things, but she’s not getting back to me in time.’
“When we unpacked it, it was about ownership. My client wasn’t taking ownership of her new role. Her manager didn’t care about those processes; that’s why she handed them off in the first place. I asked her to reflect on what it would look like if she took ownership of her role and she said, ‘I wouldn’t be asking for permission. I’d just be doing it.’”
Create clear boundaries
It’s a slow process of unsubscribing to the views that, for many, have been programmed into us since childhood – that women often feel they need to be constantly available for others; that to be confident is to be arrogant; that to ask for what you want is selfish. But learning how to put these boundaries in place – with the support of managers and mentors – can make all the difference.
Nekvapil uses the example of another client she worked with who was nearing burnout in 2020 during a period when many people across the world were taking on increased workloads and feeling stressed.
“Her narrative was, ‘They keep giving me so much work. I feel like I’m drowning.’ And I said, ‘Have you asked if you need to do the work? Have you checked to see what’s a priority and if it’s you that explicitly needs to do that work?’ And she was like, ‘I’ve never thought to ask.’
“Coaching is incredibly important for people in leadership, which can sometimes feel quite lonely. Leaders need to feel they have a safe place to land.” – Kemi Nekvapil
“There were 10 different things she was asked to do. There were three things that were big projects that she had to do herself, but the other seven had nothing to do with her job description. But because she was so busy, she hadn’t given herself the space or time to put boundaries in place. They kept giving her work because she kept saying yes.”
It’s not always easy to say ‘no’ to things in a professional context, no matter what your gender or tenure is. Instead, you could let others know you’re willing to help out, but you can’t absorb a never-ending list of tasks.
“One of the things you hear people suggest is saying, ‘I’m happy to take on these things. What do you want me to drop to fit that in?’
That approach has helped Nekvapil’s clients put boundaries in place in a non-confrontational way, to allow themselves more space to execute on the work that actually needs to be done.
Read HRM’s article ‘How to say ‘no’ to taking on more work (and when to say ‘yes).
Figure out who you are
One of the most impactful pieces of advice Nekvapil has received from her own mentors and coaches throughout her career is to define your own set of values.
“Sometimes we don’t choose the values we want, but ones that society would deem ‘worthy,’” she says.
“For example, someone might feel like they can’t value money, but when you dig deeper, the reason they value money is because they value freedom or security, but they might not feel they can state that as a value because they’re worried they’ll be seen as greedy.”
One of Nekvapil’s core values is growth. This, she says, means being comfortable with not knowing things and adopting a beginner’s mindset. This value is likely why she’s been able to jump into so many creative pursuits and use them as building blocks to inform the next step she takes.
“Take the time to work out who you are, and everything will come from that. Be very clear on your core values – that takes work. It’s about asking yourself, ‘Who am I?’”
A longer version of this article first appeared in the November 2022 edition of HRM Magazine.